Check your Intent - Ask the Question

Recently I was asked, would it have made a difference if someone had stepped in and addressed me about the abuse they thought was happening in my past marriage. Would it have changed things or made a difference?

My response was this: I believe a very specific question would have made me at least think about the situation I was in and the trauma I was facing.

When I was in an abusive relationship most the time as a general whole I had convinced myself it was going well. So when I was asked how it was going I was able to answer good without feeling like it was a lie. There were good moments.

But if someone had used specific verbiage in a question as in: Are you being abused in your relationship? Is your current relationship causing you pain? It would have taken me off guard and I would have to consider to tell the truth or lie. I would have been forced to think about what the word abuse meant and face what was happening in my relationship.

It’s a lot harder to deny or disregard a very specific question. Especially one that informs me that someone is aware of what is happening. When I thought no one knew I wanted to continue to hide it.

It's like when we go to the doctor and they ask "How are you doing?" We respond with "I'm fine." It's a trained response. But if the doctor asks "Is your pain tolerable?" That is an entirely different question. One that makes us consider our pain and how it feels.

Rewording the question matters.

Obviously there are lines to invading personal boundaries or other's lives, which is a fair. It’s hard to know the right line in which to ask someone a personal question. However, my response is check your intent.

If someone comes to me with a question and their intent is they love me and are concerned for me, I think you can feel that. If one’s intent is to break up a relationship or tell someone how to live their life, you can feel that too and would easily become defensive.

Check your intent and verbiage before asking the questions. But if you feel someone is in a place of hurt or harm, check your intent and ask the specific question.

What happens after that. How they respond or how they move forward is on them. But love and concern for a person allows you to ask the question.

Additionally, just allowing someone to respond "I'm not okay," or "my marriage is not okay" may be all the information they are up for sharing. Appreciate the openness and provide a safe space for them to share. But if they don't, give them time. Admitting things aren't okay is an extremely hard step, but it is a huge step none the less.

If you are the someone if that tough place, maybe you are ready to just say, "I'm not okay." Then give yourself grace and time to consider the next steps. No rush, no timeline. Just being honest with yourself and others is a monumental step.

It's okay to not be okay.