I’m proud of me

I processed freely

I wore my heart on my sleeve

And spoke my mind
As that is what is best for me

I won’t apologize for being me
When I hide my feelings or my thoughts

It’s unauthentic.

It’s just not me.

​

Being authentically me

Means speaking freely

Processing openly.

Wearing my heart on my sleeve.

The flames reminded me of swirling anger.
The crackling reminded me of the volatile situation about to erupt.
There was no peace at that bonfire next to him.

Because there I sat and did nothing.
There I sat and let him be.
There I sat and let him hurt me.

But no longer I sit next to him; no longer do I fear those flames.
Nothings lurking in those shadows.
Nothings erupting unexpectedly.
I can finally sit here peacefully
Because there is no him.
Just me; just flames.

That’s how you come to love things again.
You give it time, you let it go.
And in the end the love returns, and the flames regain their beauty.

The fire no longer reminds me of anger, no longer swirls me with fear.
They’re just flames, crackling in the night.
And I’m sitting quietly.
Just me; just flames.

Painful they do not see.
Do not see me.
The girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.
I do not hide or make you guess.
I share; I express.

Painful they do not see.
That behind these eyes, the hurt is there.
The trauma still stains my soul with fear.
That’s the pain they do not see.

As I get to know the new me, I want them to know me too.
Relationships are based on truth; based on vulnerability.
I want and crave that relationship with them.
But, I cannot force them to want the same.
As the choice is theirs and theirs alone.

Painful they do not see me.

Sometimes I feel so fragile
Like glass, about to shatter

Trauma and grief do that
One rejection feels like the end
One hurt like a thousand heartbreaks

What trauma made me believe is nothing feels safe
Love doesn’t last
I’m not worthy

Pain sits differently
Harder
Heavier
Fear crashes in
Makes me feel like glass

Little mistakes feel like relationship endings
One missed acknowledgment
One text to late
One missed I love you
Questions rise
Fear consumes
Trust fails
Nothing lasts

Trauma taught me that
Taught my emotions to be fragile
Makes me feel like glass

Family systems
Complicated
Back in the place
Back in my place
My place of fix it
My place of accept it
My place of “it’s okay” when it’s not okay
Setting boundaries
Practicing new learned strategies
Being confident in myself
Is hardest around them
It seems contradictory
Like it should be the easiest
But family systems
Family insecurities
Stem so deep
The hardest to break
The easiest to repeat

Learning to not accept it
Learning to not to fix it
Learning love exists in boundaries
Starting with “I’m not okay”

Someone who changed my life passed away.
He was a godsend.
He continually built me up,
Continually reminded me of the enormous potential I had.
When all felt lost, he was there.
A comforting smile,
A pat on the back,
Words of wisdom.
Impact.
Whatever it was, it was always exactly what I needed.
Will he know his impact on the world?
Will he know his smile changed lives?
Will he know that his wisdom constantly affects my decisions?
Will he know everyone felt cared for in his interactions?
Now we know.
We know to tell people the impact they made,
while you still have the chance.

Unconditional
Means without ends
Without exceptions
Unconditional

I thought unconditional didn’t exist
But you proved me wrong

It’s a sweet “let it go”
An “I love you” amidst anger
It’s endless love, no questions asked

All I knew was conditions:
Do this for him to love you
Act this way
Put him before you
You don’t matter

This is not that
This is
I love you regardless
I love you when angry
I love you without end
Unconditional

She always smiled; always danced.
People loved her laugh and experienced her love.
She cared for all without hesitation or expectation.

So why did he take advantage of her?
Why did he hurt her when all she did was love him?

He broke her heart and her spirit.
That’s what control does.
It takes a free loving spirit and breaks it.
Breaks it in like a wild horse being tamed.
Breaks it until it obeys, until it listens to every command.

Why’d he do that?
She didn’t understand.
Was it her?
Did she do something wrong?
The loving girl no longer loved herself.
He broke her heart and her spirit.

But she had a strength; a fire not quite burnt out.
She used that fire to fuel her power; to fuel her strength to leave.

Then she fed that fire with her own self love; her own strength.
And now…
Her spirit burns brighter than ever before.
Her strength carried her.

Breathe, stay calm, find the ground.
Panic looming.
Uncomfortable.
Uncontrollable.
Fear consumes body and mind.
I can’t see.
I can’t think.
Breathe, stay calm, find the ground.
Focus on what’s in front of me,
Instead of fearing a future reality.
Fear based in the past, fueled by future uncertainty.
Not based on what IS happening.
Breathe, stay calm, find the ground.
Focus on what’s in front of me.
I am safe.
I am calm.
I find my breath.
I find the ground.

I am human.
I feel.
I need others for support.
It does not make me weak.
It does not make me less than.
I do not need to feel guilty.
I am not a burden.
My problems matter.
I matter.
What I need matters.

Express. Don’t repress.

You know what silence does to me?
It eats at me, it makes me scream.
For a person who wears her arm on her sleeve,
Silence is not meant to be.

Yet, I was silent for his sake.
Silent to accommodate; silent to appease.
“What’s talking about it going to change?” he says.
Everything, says me.

Communication changes the way that I feel loved.
Changes what we see.
Yes, that’s why
Communication is key.

But silence was what HE wanted and so I bit my tongue to appease.
No more, I thought because that will not work for me.
I will not be silent.
I will not appease.
I will communicate what suits me.

Silence is no longer an option.
We will not just let the problem be.
Talking must begin somewhere.
Let’s start with “What do you need?”

Trauma is my closest friend.
Her words fester inside me, forcing me to believe her lies; forcing me to expect and accept her abuse.

When I finally reach a place of safety, a place free from abuse,
My friend trauma whips her head like a dog seeing a squirrel.
Saying you’re too comfortable here, I need you close to feel my presence.
Her twisted mind comes close to mine just to whisper to me, “I’m here. You are not free.”

My body remembers and violently shakes.
My brain remembers and fearfully screams.
My emotions remember and chaotically spread themselves across the floor with no way to pick up the pieces.

Some never know this friend and I’m unequivocally jealous.
But trauma, my friend, I know her too well.
She’s been by my side for far too long, evoking powerful emotions and spewing lies

But I moved away from trauma hoping never to hear from her,
yet she calls and I do not have the power to block her.
Block her from my mind, my soul, my being.
She’s there and she haunts me.

Each day I keep moving a little bit farther. Each day just a little more free.
“Keep healing,” my new friend ME says. I’ll protect you from trauma, you’ll see.

It just takes time to be; to be fully me without my friend trauma.
With safety, love, and peace. I will get there, you’ll see.

See trauma was my closest friend.
Now my closest friend is me.

Has he hit you? The question enfuriated her. As if only one kind of abuse exists...physical. As if she needed a bruise on her skin to prove her pain.

It wasn’t enough that her soul, in the deepest parts, had been bruised and battered by the constant verbal and emotional abuse. That her personality and who she was had been beaten unrecognizable. That scar will be there long after a bruise fades.

But she answered “no” and kept silent. Screaming on the inside, “that scar will be there long after a bruise fades!”

Tonight I was silent.
Silent like I used to be.
Yet, this silence was slightly different.
Not based in fear, not based to appease.
He simply walked away from me.
No choice. No talking.
Silent like I used to be.

Emotions swirled, my anger rose.
How dare he walk away from me.
Too much like the past as I stood
Silent like I used to be.

No longer does that work for me.
I can’t be silent.
As silence is not meant to be.
Communicating through our issues,
that should be the reality.

I’m 2 and love everything about me.
I’m 3 and I’m free; wearing my heart on my sleeve.
I’m 5 and suddenly I don’t like my laugh; I heard the grown-ups talking.
It seems to be the thing to do, to find what you don’t love about you.
I’m 10 and picking at my flaws.. My hairs not straight; I’m too curvy.
Trying to be like my friends, making comparisons on everything.
Then at 13 my mom said I can’t wear that, it’s not flattering.
From then on I didn’t look at clothes the same. How they fit, how I felt...it all changed.
Moving on to 15, my boyfriend leaves for someone else. Assuming it’s because of my beauty or lack there of. I then attach my worth to looks; my self-esteem to the same. Both begin to dissipate.
Skipping on to 22, I work so hard to be skinny. No thanks to society. Thinking it will make me happy. Thinking if I work out twice a day that dress would fit; that boy would notice me.

Those thoughts were engrained so deep. Believing happiness only existed in “pretty.”
What I wouldn’t give to be 2 instead of 22.
I did not change, but what I heard changed me.
Throughout this life I’ve seen and heard that pretty is what defines me.
Defines my happiness. Defines my worth. Defines my identity.

At 30 I finally learn that’s not true. I start to find happiness not based outside, but from within.
Society told me for far too long it’s my looks that matter not what’s inside; so I picked at my flaws, developed insecurities.
Now at 33 it’s clear, those insecurities no longer define me.
I can finally see that they’re not true, who I am from deep within is absolutely beautiful.
My worth is now attached to that and no longer attached to society’s “pretty.”

It broke my heart to realize it happened at 5.
That beautiful laugh was not criticized, but I learnt from what I saw.
Do not let her learn from you.
It’s time to stop. Stop criticizing ourselves; stop believing everything is based on looks.
Stop for you and stop for them.
I face my niece who’s only 5; I hope she sees her beauty inside.
I hope she doesn’t spend the next 28 years, drowning in insecurities.
I did the work, so she can do less.
So she can believe she’s more than just looks, long before she’s 33.

I’ve had barriers up because of trauma, because of hurt.
Because I feared loving to that extent again
In fear that it would end in hardship.

But with you I’ve let my guard down and love deeper than ever.
And while that still scares me at times.
It brings me immense joy and happiness to have you in my life.
You are the calm to my chaos.
You are a listening ear to my nonstop voice.
You are reason in my unreasonable.
You are the constant I want; the constant I need.
You are home.
So bring on whatever the future may hold.
Fear be damned.
Walls down.
All in.
You and me.
Loving you will always be worth it.

Ever have those days where you hate every part of you?
Hate my hair.
Hate my body.
Hate my self.
Negative thoughts overpower my mind.

Loving yourself is not always easy.
Society has made it so; we have made it so.
We compare ourselves to others.
Expect to look like celebrities.
But that’s not a reality.
My life is not theirs, dependent on looks.
My life is my own, dependent on what’s within me.

So what do I do on the days I feel unloved by me?
I turn the words the best I can; finding parts I love.
I love my deep green eyes.
I love my empathy.
I love the way I can make dark times bright.

Then little by little I love me more.
Each moment, each day.
I love me more.

Struggling for acknowledgement
My work has yet to be recognized
I seek validation from others
I want their approval; want their praise
Yet, what success is…
Is in the eyes of the beholder
My version is…
Validation of my knowledge
Validation of my wisdom
Validation of my impact
Waiting for others to validate me, unrealistic
Seeking their pride in my accomplishments, unreasonable
While it hurts they don’t see me
I see myself
Validate myself
Find pride in my own success
My own worth

The choice to live is not a one-time decision.
It is a constant, on-going, every day, every moment choice.
Every moment you make the choice to live life to the fullest.
Every day you make the choice to continually better yourself.
Life is full of choices.
Here’s what I choose:
I choose to be kind.
I choose to be truthful.
I choose adventure and spontaneity.
I choose to love.
I choose healthy relationships.
I choose to make a difference in the lives of others.
See rainbows can’t come without a little rain.
So I also choose:
To be sad.
To feel emotions too deeply.
To fight for what’s fair.
To breakdown.
To make mistakes.
To fail.
To not let the past define me.
To try again.
And most importantly
I choose to live.