Clarity in Practicing Mindfulness

So you know you find joy in healing when you get excited for therapy! Haha. Well, I am excited to start ART! No it's not the crafts kind of art lol, although those are great for mindfulness too haha.  

ART is Accelerated Release Therapy. I had my first intake session this past week and have my first ART session this week. I had to do an intake becuase she is not my normal therapist. The intake was wonderful and provided me with some clarity! Clarity on where I am with coping strategies and how far I am come in my trauma healing journey, because I've done the work. It's very validating when a therapist tells you they can tell you've done the work :)

In regard to ART, I am by no means an expert, so I won’t even try to explain it formally. Feel free to do that research on your own. Especially, if you are someone looking for specific trauma focused therapy. But the main concept is that it opens a window to your brain to recall traumatic memories and replace the negative feelings around it with positive ones. The slogan even says “Keep the knowledge. Lose the pain.”

Which I love that phrase! That pain is what causes strands of fear, reactions, and triggers that take hold in our body, and we repeat as habits after the trauma.

For example, one of my trauma-based habits I’ve been struggling with is being hyper focused. You can call it hyper focused, obsessive thoughts, overthinking, ruminating, etc. It's a trauma-based habit for me because when I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic, I obsessed over what I could have done differently to not cause a reaction. I obsessed over the abuse in the present trying to come up with how to calm it or survive it. I obssessed over the future, especially when he started drinking, obsessing over or fearing what was to come. It definitely stems a little deeper to my childhood, but that experience in that relationship exacerbated that habit extensively.

Now, I’ve written about overthinking before, it's a pretty common occurance for me (hence my last statement), but it has gotten worse lately. That’s the fun of trauma, pull back a layer of it, find a new layer, expose the intensity of a different symptom. I say fun ironically and not ironically. Yes, it is not "fun" to experience these symptoms. However, I am grateful and do find it empowering when I conquer one, learn more about myself, and become better for it. It's all just a part of life.

Presently, I’m obsessing over small things, big things, all things, you name it. I have been playing phone games to stop the overthinking even. Which isn't bad to have that pause or that outlet, but there is also a layer of avoidance to that outlet, so I knew it needed to be addressed.

Like I even found myself obsessing for 40 minutes about the fact that the last time I went to the Vet, I didn't see the same person and I really liked that Vet, so I need to make sure that he is still my Vet. Yes, written out that is a simple, reasonable thought. But to go over all the thoughts around it, the Vet's feelings, my feelings, etc. and spend 40 plus miniutes on it. Now that's unnecessary obsessive thoughts or as my therapist called it, ruminating.

Ruminating is a new term for me. If it is a new term for you, it is when you circle around the same thought. It goes pretty hand in hand for overthinkers to ruminate. What has been cool since I learned that term though, is that I've found a lot of grace and freedom when I'm obsessing to kindly say, "You're ruminating." It's helped me to let it go. Like that is just the thing I'm doing and it's okay to stop by recognizing what I'm doing.

Which brinigs me to mindfulness. I've been able to recognize when I have those thoughts and practice mindfulness. First step was to say, "You're ruminating." Then second step is to practice letting the thoughts that proceed just float by without attaching to them.

I've known the mindfulness concept for awhile and have practiced it, but often times I realize to be mindful after multiple hours of obsessing over a thought. It's an easy concept to understand, a hard concept to implement. I also had a misconception that mindfulness equaled total calm. That definitely is a misconception. While obviously letting thoughts go can provide a calmer mind, it still is work and not always an instant calm. Especially when working through the concept early on.

So that's been my recent goal is to practice it sooner when having hyper focused thoughts. Not to let myself replay a conversation 20 times before starting mindfulness. If you are an over thinker, you know exactly what I mean haha.

Oofta it has been a lot of practive! And a lot of failing and a lot of practicing! I've found a lot of clarity thought because it frees my mind up quite a bit. I started seeing the clarity vs focusing on the "calm." Because sometimes it's other factors that are not equaling calm. But mindful thoughts provide an emptier mind for clarity.

My therapist said for mindfulness you just watch thoughts go by, don't interact with them. I said I prefer to have them float away on clouds. The visual is helpful for me! You can find what works for you. But for me clouds feel soft, non-judgmental, easy.

Just easy to put that thought on a cloud and let it float away if the thought isn't benefitting me right now. Taking the metaphor further, I realized that when my thoughts float away on clouds, the sun has more room to shine (the sun being the clarity). Kind of like how we feel gloomy on a cloudy day and happy on a sunny day, it is the same for thoughts. Lots of thoughts feel heavy and gloomy. Getting rid of cloudy obsessive thoughts feels like opening up to sunny clarity!

To bring it full circle, this new therapist was assessing my ability to handle ART therapy, by assessing my current coping strategies. Mindfulness being a key strategy.

So if you find yourself relating to this, maybe you are overthinking, obsessing, overwhelmed with thoughts, etc. try mindfulness today. Find the way it is the most effective for you and keep practicing it. That the sunny clarity will come out for you too!

And as always give yourself grace as you go!